overwhelmed
A disclaimer: If you are going to sit in judgment at my lack of not having it together, then I suggest you find a link on my blog roll and read something else. There’s a few people on there who have it together and will make you smile. Today, I probably won’t.
I’m still feeling very overwhelmed with life right now. And I’m feeling more overwhelmed because of my husband’s lack of understanding. I don’t think it’s because he doesn’t care. I know my husband’s heart and it is good. I think it’s because he just doesn’t understand me. He doesn’t understand the things that I do and the reasons behind them. He doesn’t understand how overwhelmed I have become because of the choices I make.
Some things that I am completely under the water are:
- The laundry. I have about 8 loads that need to be folded and put away, or hung up. But I have the girls spring & summer things that need to be put up, but not until the winter things are put away. To put the winter clothes away means that Mother Nature will have to stop being crazy and pick a season.
- My bathroom needs a good scrub down. But since Little Sister is going through the “If-I-Can’t-See-You-I-Will-Scream” phase, it’s pretty hard to use harsh chemicals while she’s hanging out in there. And since she naps & sleeps in our bedroom, I can’t do it while she’s sleeping. Therefore, our bathroom is groddy.
- I have a pimple next to my nose. It hurts and that makes me sad.
- There are so many toys. I need less toys and more storage (that’s hidden). I need things to be neat and orderly. Or at least have some pretty baskets to throw everything into.
- Just stuff. We have TOO MUCH STUFF! And I have a husband who doesn’t like to throw things away.
I breastfeed, which results into not allowing Little Sister to go anywhere. I co-sleep because that’s what works for our family. It’s worth the dirty bathroom, it’s worth the crazy-tired that I always am. It’s what’s best for my kids and that’s gotta count for something.
Back to me being overwhelmed & my husband. I asked if I could have someone to come and just help for ONE DAY. And he absolutely said no. Now, the good, Christian wife part of me says that that’s the final word. The overtired, outraged that he could deny me a tiny sliver of sanity what’s to get someone anyway. I’m not saying I want someone once a week, once a month, or even once a year. Just one time. Just someone who can help me get organized so that our home will run more smoothly and more effeciently. Which, I believe, would make J & I be able to spend a little more alone time together. Which would make everyone a little happier in this house… if you get what I’m saying. Yet, he denied me this and I, of course cry (I’m a crier).
And now I feel even more overwhelmed and at loss as to what to do. I want to rent a big trash thing and just dump half of our house into it. I’m tired of the clutter, the papers, the wrappers, the notes, the magazines, the coupons, the books, the everything that is in our house.
And with many prayers that seem to go unanswered, which is just soul crushing, I feel so alone. Yes, I have an awesome bunch of girlfriends who listened to me choke back tears tonight. who made me laugh and gave me awful mental images. And I thank God for them and their prayers. But I still feel very alone, distant.
So, with a heavy heart and a heavy burden… I’m off to bed. To cry, silently, to sleep and start this whole thing over again.
Again, sorry for the 14 year old emo-girl posts. They are happening so much lately. I promise to be in better spirits soon!
March 25th, 2008 at 3:39 am
I wish you wouldn’t feel the need to apologize for this kind of post - although it seems like we women are hardwired to do that, aren’t we? (apologize, I mean)
I don’t know if it will help you to hear that I understand, but I’m going to tell you anyway: I understand. About being overwhelmed, about feeling like a dingbat for feeling overwhelmed, about wondering “what the *$^#*!” over a husband who is clearly a very loving and wonderful person. About wanting to fold up a day (or many!) and put it in a box somewhere and just leave it be for a while.
And I understand that after all that, you get up and do it again and find times to smmile and kiss your husband and just get through. ‘Cause we women are hardwired to do that, too. (get through, I mean)
I’m sending you lots of good thoughts and prayers. You’re doing a great job.
March 25th, 2008 at 7:00 am
I totally understand the feeling of being overwhelmed!! Alot of times it does seem like the woman has so much pressure to get things done and have a smile on our face at all times. That is not going to happen all the time. I know I hold a lot of things inside and then I eventually blow and then the next day I am fine. I have to learn not to hold everything inside…it is not healthy. That is why I have a scripture hanging on my mirror so it hits me smack in the face when I wake up. About having someone come in one time I thought of a solution!!!! She is FREE (which is the great thing) and you will have a BLAST with her…ME ME ME! I am totally serious. I will be back from moms on Friday. Tell me what day and I will be there. I don’t want you to feel alone. I am here even if you just need to cry! I love you so much!
March 25th, 2008 at 8:55 am
oh honey, you are not alone. I am right there with you- overwhelmed and feeling alone. My laundry is piled to the ceiling, my house is full of clutter that drives me crazy, I co-sleep with my daughter (15 months old) and I still breastfeed her and people give me a hard time for it. My 3 kids are all sick and so am I. And I wonder where God is and why He is ignoring my cries for help.
It is ok to feel the way you do. There is nothing wrong with you. I’m sure you are doing the very best that you can.
I have had post partum depression with all three of my kids- which essentially means I have been depressed since my first son was born almost 6 years ago. I do understand and I am so sorry you are feeling this way.
Just know that you aren’t alone in your feelings.
March 25th, 2008 at 9:43 am
The guys have to meet at 8 tonight! I’ll be at your house at 7:30!
March 25th, 2008 at 9:56 am
I remember those days. You know I’ve been leading a Bible study on the book, “Having a Mary Heart in a Martha World.” You should definitely get this book, because we as women, have such a hard time trying to balance all the stuff that needs to be done in our life and the relationships that need to be cultivated with family and especially, Jesus. Anyway, I’ve learned a lot about how to just put things down, like laundry and going to bed with a dirty kitchen. And you know why? Because those little ones aren’t going to be little forever. Cherish every moment! Seriously! Worry less about the housework and more about the moments. You’ll always have housework, but you won’t always have the moments. So, when you get overwhelmed, grab your babies and your Bible! Because remember when Martha was busy in the kitchen and kind of fussed at Jesus for not telling Mary to get up and help her, what did Jesus say? “Martha, Martha, you are concerned about many things (overwhelmed with housework). But, Mary has chosen the better part (Jesus, family, etc.).” These “things” you will have forever, but Jesus said He would not be there forever. So, girl, just try to let it go. I’m not saying don’t clean or do the things that need to get done, but if they aren’t done all the time, you’ll always have tomorrow. And another thing, get hubby to help, even if it’s with a few things.
March 26th, 2008 at 9:39 am
Wondering… (Not that I know you personally)… Could you be going through a little PPD? When my baby hit 6 months, I just went emotionally weird on myself. EVERYthing overwhelmed me. I cried every night because of the laundry, the dishes, the kids, etc. I felt like I was lost in someone else’s body. The normal happy me wasn’t there. This lasted 3 months before I realized and admitted to myself that I was struggling with Post Partum Depression. Once I admitted it, it was so much easier to deal with. I knew I wasn’t going crazy and that it would get better. I could stop feeling guilty, because I knew it wasn’t the normal me and that the normal me would come back.
It also helped my husband, because then he knew that there was a real hormonal reason to my grumpiness. He could understand that it was a season and he would suggest ways to help. Sometimes he would command me to go outside or to take a nap. He knew the things that help a little and he made sure I did them. No, he didn’t help with the laundry or the dishes. (Why don’t they?) But realizing the cause helped him understand.
Anyway, I don’t know if you’re experiencing PPD or not. But thought I’d share.
March 27th, 2008 at 8:26 am
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