My dad.
When I sit down and start to type out all the things I would like to share about my dad… I just can’t do it.
There are so many things. So many reasons why I love him so much my heart aches. So many reasons that we are still like sandpaper and balloons, each of us sharing the roles equally.
I remember riding in the old Suzuki listening to The Beatles with my dad. We would drive down to the train tracks with the top off. We would watch silly movies together, walk to the pond and talk. I can feel his hand holding mine, his skin always so soft.
I remember his hurting, being in pain, being angry for his illness. I remember a blue popcorn tin with a yellow and white duck on it. Dented. He was so angry, so tired of being switched to this medication instead of that one, a trial, a lawsuit, a husband unable to provide.
I remember thinking I was so lucky. My Daddy stayed home with me. He picked me up from school. The trips to Dairy Queen after school for a milk shake, a trip to WalMart just for a toy. The singing, the dancing, the memories I got to make with my dad, when others didn’t see theirs very often. The love he’s always had for his family.
Oh, I know this doesn’t make sense, but if you could pull up a chair to the memories playing like old movies in my mind, you would laugh a cry simultaneously with me.
I am tired for him. I am so tired of watching this man struggle so hard to stay alive. I know he is tired. I know that each time he goes in for pneumonia it may be his last. I know that every time he starts to get sick he gets scared. I know he doesn’t want to leave us. I know I don’t want him to go. If God would just give him a year of good health. Of being able to play with his three granddaughters, of running and laughing and playing, of going swimming and not being tired or scared… If only God would just give him a break.
I can get so angry at God sometimes. I get so mad that He’s doing this. What is the purpose? What is the point to let my daddy suffer like this. I know God isn’t doing it just for the heck of it. There has to be a reason. I just pray so hard that He will reveal that to my dad. That my daddy will understand and not blame God, that his anger will be comforted, that my anger will be doused.
They tried to take the ventilator out yesterday. He’s unable to breathe on his own. They will try again tomorrow, depending on how well he is doing.
Please keep praying for my dad. I just can’t handle losing him.
July 1st, 2008 at 1:44 pm
I wish I knew what to say to you. I guess the only thing that comes to mind is how wonderful it is that you have those memories. Daddies hold a VERY special place in the hearts of their little girls. I’m sure he would smile to know that’s how you feel about him
July 1st, 2008 at 1:45 pm
I will be praying for your dad and your family. May our sovereign God show mercy and grant peace.
July 1st, 2008 at 2:13 pm
Oh Jill! I am thinking about you and your dad. I will pray fervently for both of you during this time of his illness.
July 1st, 2008 at 2:32 pm
You know that I am not great with words. I can’t write a sentence that will inspire the world. But I know that God loves you so much and that He is with you in all of this even though you may feel abandoned. I love you.
July 1st, 2008 at 4:43 pm
Jill, you are so blessed to have such wonderful memories with your daddy. Those memories are the most important thing that you can have of a person no matter if God takes him home soon or he gives him a year of great health. I lost my mom at a really hard young teenager brat kind of time. It’s sad to me that most of my memories are of me getting into trouble over stupid things, but I know deep down good times were there and she loved me. Hang on to those good times and you are fortunate that he is able to see his grandkids. It’s never ever easy, especially if the suffering is long, but you know that you will be able to handle anything that comes your way. You’re in my prayers.
July 1st, 2008 at 6:25 pm
Your beautiful memories made me cry. Not sure why God has allowed all this physical suffering into your dad’s life, but how amazing the relationship and memories you two have together. Praying God allows many more of those memories to be made, and for peace for both of you as you continue on this journey.
July 1st, 2008 at 6:42 pm
((HUGS)) This made me cry… I’ll keep praying for him and your family. If you need anything, please let me know!! <3
July 1st, 2008 at 11:40 pm
Oh Jill I dont even know what to say! You brought me to tears and to my knees praying for your dear father!
July 2nd, 2008 at 7:18 am
My sweet Jill…my heart aches for you, your Father and your family. We get so caught up in emotion…in anger, that we want and even demand to know WHY!!! The Lord knows why and I pray that you and your father find peace through the only one who can give it. God did not cause this…the fall of man caused this. Yes Jesus can heal your Dad, but yet wants to use this to His glory. I pray that the Lord will give you the strength to wittness to your Father, letting him know that through Jesus he has no reason to be afraid and to take each day as it comes as a gift, the good with the bad. As your Dad lives even in suffering our Lord has work for him yet to do. God uses this brokeness, allows this brokeness to draw his creation to himself. “The Lord is near to the brokenhearted And saves those who are crushed in spirit.” Psalm 34:18 Cry out to the Lord today Jill!! He will comfort you and give you peace. In the meantime…I know we all will be praying!!!! ~Tina